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sweet pea

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Reply with quote  #1 
Despite the fact that my husband and I have been married for only a year now, we were high school sweet hearts which means that we dated for many years before our commitment. In the beginning our sex life was "exciting" but as time progressed it became "safer". When asked about the change, he claimed that it was because he loved me and felt it was in some way disrespectful to "behave in that manner" with me. I love my husband dearly, but feel our sex life leaves a little to be desired. I am a highly sexual person who desires sex more often and am a great deal more open to trying new experiences than my partner. I have tried outfits, stimulating lubricants, introducing cock rings, asked to watch porn together, and even offered to fulfill ANY fantasy he may have, yet he still remains "shy" in bed. I am beginning to feel undesirable, due to his lack of interest. Please help, any ideas on what I can do to excite him?
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Tabu Toypro

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Reply with quote  #2 
Hi SweetPea,

If you've read some of our forum posts on this subject, you'll know you are not alone. This is common. Relationships ebb and flow but the love does not. Know that. He doesn't love you any less. It's just a temporary change that you can get past. But it will take work on his part too.

Now, we know he isn't shy. If he was, you'd never have said your sex used to be exciting. What's changed? I'm not sure where he gets the idea that good sex with your wife is disrespectful. The marriage is simply a commitment on paper, not some sort of arrangement to get fat and boring together! (no offense there, just an example) So what is he saying? To him, it's not right to behave "in that manner" with your wife...so who does he think it is ok to behave like that with? And is he? Ask him that, straight up.

Take a look at this book by Violet Blue called The Best Women's Erotica Book. You could try reading some of this out loud to him in bed. Give him food for thought. Or leave a copy of Sadie Allison's Tickle Your Fancy around. It's a guide to self-pleasure. Let him know you are not done with sex just because you're married.

It sounds like you've tried a lot of things. Has he? Does he even think there is a problem other than what you've said to him? Do you suspect anything else might be going on?

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Tabu Toypro

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Reply with quote  #3 
I came across a nice little article that may help you with some more things to ponder: What? Some Men Don't Want Sex?

It's got some things to ponder that I hadn't mentioned like stress, lack of exercise, lack of sleep, medications, etc


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Hank Alvarez

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Reply with quote  #4 
    I've been thinking about this one for a couple of days and believe me I feel for you. This can be tough because there can be so many variables. I think we need to look at it backwards because we think we know  what the problem is, lack of interest or boredom, so now we have to look at the possible causes. To lose interest after only a year would have to be pretty hard to take emotionally not to mention having to walk around horny all the time. If the result is truly lack of interest I'd have to ask why?
      Look for something that's occurred during the last year. Has anything changed between the two of you? For example kids can do it. I knew a guy whose wife got pregnant every year and he got to the point that he was afraid to touch her.
    Have there been any major changes for either of you in the last year? Have either had any radical physical changes? Do either of you have a new job or new responsibilities? Exhaustion can exhibit the same symptoms as boredom or lack of interest. How's his health and yours?
      It sounds like you're the one trying to communicate and you're not satisfied with what he's saying so how about using a third party? If the problem is strictly in the bedroom how about seeing a counselor or therapist or even a minister. In fact I'd have a look very closely at that.
      Is he a particularly religious guy? Depending on your faith there might be some serious guilt issues that have surfaced. I've seen this in a couple of instances. If inside he feels like he's doing something wrong every time he gives in to your advances or his urges you could have a real problem. I'll give you the benefit of a personal experience: I was in love with a gal who was great in the sack. I was almost  serious enough to consider marrying her. Unfortunately she was a real religious head case. We were both divorced at the time and she would get so horny she'd call me and we'd get together and fuck non-stop like a couple of teenagers. But the next day it was all wrong. As far as she was concerned it shouldn't have happened and it didn't happen. We were going to go to hell. After a couple of times with that and I went looking else where. Had we married it would have been a big mistake.
      Do you two still stroke each other's egos before during and after sex? I think that's very important. The woman who got my cherry when I was a kid always thanked me for the pleasure I had given her when we were done. My wife and I have carried on that tradition for twenty five years. It's not just being courteous. It's very nice to feel just as appreciated after as you did before. Feelings of inadequacy on his part can certainly bring about lack of interest and you can be a big help with that.   
      How about infidelity? Could he have possibly gotten involved with another person in the last year? I'd say if you're trying and not having any luck you might want to consider that. If his lack of interest or boredom has surfaced after only a year I'd get that taken care of before there are innocent children involved and you're throwing good years after bad. Since you're not the first with this problem please let us know what happens. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you. Food for thought anyway.  HHH 
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sweet pea

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Reply with quote  #5 
Thanks for the helpful remarks, it has given food for thought. Let me clarify a few things:
1. We do have sex, I just want it to be "dirtier" than what it is. I mean to be honest, I want it truly XXX, and he is just not into that. THAT is the problem. When we have sex it is good, I always have an orgasm, he makes sure of it, but sometimes I want a good dirty fuck... not to make love, and I have a hard time getting that point across. I want S&M, and things of that nature and he is getting daring if he pulls my hair real hard while doing me from behind.
2. Yes there have been some changes and he is under a great deal of stress. He works full time as a process operator and is a full time student persuing his engineering degree. And on top of that we are trying to remodel a house. So yes he is stressed, and WE are limited on time since I also work full time... thus making time for intimacy harder to come by.

But here is the thing, how do I make him understand my needs sexually? That it is OK to have porn star sex with a woman if that is the kind of sex she wants... without him feeling like it is demeaning or that he is behaving in an inappropriate manner?
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Tabu Toypro

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Reply with quote  #6 
It sounds like you are interested in submission and dominance and you need to just tell him that. If you just say you want "porn star sex" he may not be thinking along the same lines as you. It's too broad.

Usually I'd say not to have this conversation in bed, but in this case, I think it's going to be a lot like on-the-job training. You might have to guide him through the motions at first. Check out his reactions and make adjustments when you feel he isn't into it. Tell him to spank you, tell him to grab your hair, blindfold you, whatever it is you want. Then say, "harder" "again" or whatever it takes to get it to the intensity you want. React like you want more, need more.

And most importantly, have some cuddle time afterward. It'll be real important to get the feelings and emotions that can be brought up during rough sex back down to a manageable level. HE might need the cuddling if this is something really foreign to him. You'll need to let him know how incredible he made you feel so that the last thought in his mind isn't that he was disrespecting or hurting you in any way.

Mistress Kay! We could use your advice here

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Roadie

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Reply with quote  #7 
Hi Sweet Pea! Welcome to our fun group!  And I'm gonna throw my 2 cents in here...

You dont say how old either of you are. I am assuming you are in your 20's? Talking from experience, I was taken by surprise when I found somebody that loves sex and I am in my 50's. Was your desire for 'rough' sex part of any discussion you have ever had? Ours was. If so, what was his reaction?

Suggestions:  I like the blindfold idea. Put on something sexy...put on the blindfold...and INVITE him to the bedroom to join you.

Dress like a slut:  Make a reservation at a cheap hotel...got out to dinner and a drink or 4...then direct him to the motel...

Get some not-so-expensive bed restraints:  You dont have to go whole hog...just something to keep you in one place and ask him to put them on you.

Show him what other people have said here. Invite him to read the responses with you...as well as some of the other posts. If you are afraid or too shy to show him, then you may have a bigger problem.

I dont need change from my 2 cents by the way...

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dreamer60
Reply with quote  #8 
HI Sweet Pea                                                                                                                                                                How about some instructional porn. He may have no idea of how to go about giving you what you want.
Also, Roadie and I have these long talks about what we want, need or expect out of our sex life. Communication is key to any relationship. We simply sit around barely dressed and ask eachother questions and answer them honestly. We have discovered a lot about each other and ourselves in these conversations.
It's all about finding a common comfort zone...but you both have to be open, honest and sincere.
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P Gell

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Reply with quote  #9 
I agree that you have to specify what kind of "Porn Star Sex" or he may want to do you in the Pile Driver position or some such silliness (even Nina Hartley says she doesn't like this one. ) http://www.sexinfo101.com/piledriver.shtml

If you want "rough sex" I agree with Dreamer and Roadie that some inexpensive restraints can really help.

http://www.tabutoys.com/product/Sportscuffs_Black

http://www.tabutoys.com/product/Sportsheets_Tether_Strap_Accessory


That and talking. You need to let him know what you want and you need to talk about what he wants.

My husband and I have the above restraint set and we don't use it often. But when we do, it is HOT!

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MarriedCouple

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Reply with quote  #10 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Roadie

Dress like a slut:   Make a reservation at a cheap hotel...got out to dinner and a drink or 4...then direct him to the motel...


This is one I really want to try with my wife.  My problem isn't her getting into it (she'd love it!).  My problem is logistics.  We have young kids, so it's tough to get away.  Also, I'd like her to dress VERY slutty.  Low cut top, no bra, short skirt, heels, etc.  We'd have to go somewhere with a very low chance of running into anyone we knew.

I don't want to relive that scene in Modern Family!
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Roadie

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Reply with quote  #11 
Hey MarriedCouple! This is something we have done...and never left the house. We designate a day...usually during the week end...for 'special events'. It means there is a certain dress code (short skirts, bikini bras, etc) that should be worn all day. Changes in clothes are encouraged...the more different outfits, the more fun.

I am assuming that your kids have a routine bed time. Use that to your advantage. Like the saying goes, 'when the kids are away, the big kids will play'. After they are in bed, use that time to heat it up. Imagination is a wonderful thing...you can pretend you are in a motel...you dont actually have to be at one!

Do you cook? Make dinner for you and your wife. It can be the BEST restaurant in the world!

It may take a little planning on your part...but it can be done. And I bet your wife will love it!

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