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Plum Pudding

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Hello all. I have made a self discovery about myself. I love to please and be submissive to my husband. Even though it is more sexually I like to incorporate it in everyday life when if and when we can. Problem is it is very hard to do in everyday life when you add LIFE, meaning kids, work, family friends. All of those elements can wear down your body and your spirit. Where it is easy for the dominant person in a relationship to maintain their role I find it harder to do as a submissive. For those who are submissive how do you maintain this all the time if you do? Do you have ground rules that gives you a word so that he/she knows okay give me a  minute to regroup? We are both new to doing this and we both probably need to read or discuss more then we did. We just jump right into things feet first sometimes. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Thanks in Advance

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Reply with quote  #2 
Plum, I know we have a few members here who could (and will) contribute to this answer. Excellent questions.
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P Gell

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Reply with quote  #3 
I kinda think it's virtually impossible to be Sub all the time. I have a very feisty spirit, and although I love to be the Bottom in bed, he makes most of the money and I've spent years as a SAHM (stay at home mom) a Sub/Dom relationship doesn't translate into everyday life easily. (although I do find myself "Topping from the Bottom" in bed, only because he is kind of afraid of being too rough? I don't know.)

I also am a person who needs to voice my opinion frequently, (obviously) and My Man is also a very fiery person, and it pisses me off when he tries to stifle me, at times.

We've been together a long time, and yeah, although we make big decisions together, he usually gets the deciding vote. Often this works out, as I don't think ANY relationship can be 50/50. (It came back to haunt us when I wanted to refinance the house about 2 years ago, and he said, "No, we'll wait." And now, with the economy, it's impossible. I was right and I should have been heeded.)

But, in most relationships, most of the time, you can't have Two Captains. It just doesn't work. Somebody has to be the Alpha, you can't both be. I've seen people try, and it never works out.

As for Heavy Sub/Dom roles full time, I don't think we have that. There's no "asking to speak" or anything like that. I think any relationship where you are very aware of Power Play, however, you have to have mutual respect for each other. Bottoms usually wield more power in long term relationships, anyway, because we have to allow it, and we usually control it,  if you understand what I am saying.

I'm not sure if this is what you are talking about. I like to "take care" if My Man. I have been criticized more than a few times by friends (often who have no man or can't seem to keep one) for doing stuff like getting up from dinner to get My Man something to drink or a clean napkin, or bringing him food at a party. WTF? He worked all day, usually bought the meal, it won't kill me to get the man a drink or refill his plate. At times, he'll do the same for me. 

OTOH, we have friends, who because of my, er, demeanor, (I'm an opinionated bitch.)  have insinuated "she must yield a whip in their bedroom" which is far from the truth. I'm the farthest thing from a Dom in the bedroom. That doesn't appeal to me. (Although I love to initiate sex frequently.)  When people talk about stuff like pegging (which I have NO problem with, if both in the couple enjoy it) I just don't have an opinion, because it's so far from what the two of us are into. In our relationship, doing the penetration is a Male thing, a Dominant thing, and it never even occurred to me to even suggest we try it. He saw something in a magazine about it, and in a really weird voice asked, "You don't wanna do that to me, do you? Cuz, I don't think I'd like that.." I just sat there with my mouth open. shaking my head.  Not because I think there's anything wrong with it, some people LOVE it, but it's just not the kind of stuff we do, despite being very adventurous, he's still.....I don't know how to put it. Not the kind of thing which works with our PERSONAL  Power Dynamic.

I don't know if we're taking about the same thing, Plum,  though. Because I am much more verbal than my husband and tend to be pretty opinionated (and he is the strong silent Scorpio type) I've heard comments "we know who wears the pants in that family" from people without a clue! (I think only in a non-abusive, fully understood, respectful  relationship can true, pure, 100% Power Play be used properly. That's just my opinion.)

I think one of the keys to keeping a good relationship going is knowing when to just say, "YOU make the final decision. Unless it's awful, or I sense eminent destruction,  I'll go along with it."  We actually have a pretty "traditional" marriage, in terms of how money is managed, income, decisions, child care etc. I have friends who see this as being "submissive" but they don't have anything of the kind, nor any lasting relationship to compare what we have to it.

IMO, there is nothing wrong with a Man being a Man. Along with that (IMO) goes making most of the money, supporting the wife and kids, taking out the damn garbage (because I HATE that) fixing shit,  respecting me, as I respect him, not having to "ask" to go out with his buddies (although he will, just to make sure I'm going to be home for the kids) and paying most of the bills without whining about it. (I know guys who WHINE about being the sole income earner, and I find nothing more a turn off than a Man whining about having to do Man Stuff.)

Likewise, My Man has never cleaned a toilet (OK once, when he puked in it) doesn't know how to work our front loader washing machine, has never folded a basket of laundry, or put a single piece of laundry away, (can't seem to find the hamper, either, and I never say a word, as I pick up his crusty socks.....)  he  can and does change diapers, but prefers not to, especially if I am around, he just throws things into the dishwasher willy nilly, so ours is more a "traditional" marriage, I guess, than anything else. But, I do think the whole Power Play thing is at work somewhere in here.  I think if there is going to be a Power Play and you are the Sub, He is the Dom, HE has a LOT of responsibility, though. (I feel a soap box coming on)  Never understood Subs who had to have full time jobs. He's the Dom, he's the Alpha, he makes a lot of the financial decisions, let The Dom go to work to make most of the money. (Although that money should be available to you, or a part time job only if you want it, that's only respectful. But, money making shouldn't be "expected"  IMO.)  That's just me, though. I've certainly "worked outside the home" and there was some enjoyment from it, (I love nursing) but I'd really rather stay home and take care of My Man and the rest of the family. A lot of people who know nothing of Power Play or Dynamics think that alone is a sign of some type of submissiveness.

I don't know if we are talking about the same thing here. I think Power Dynamics are hard to discuss, because they are different in every relationship. I think respect and love plays into all good dynamics, and I hope I am not just rambling here.

I do think, however, that Power Play is for the mutual enjoyment and respect of BOTH of you. If ever it starts to "wear down my Spirit" I know things need to be changed.(It's happened and we changed stuff, every good relationship is dynamic and always changing and evolving.)  It should be something which recharges you, never something which totally exhausts of truly, totally humiliates you. (Hey, a little humility is fun, but enough to really hurt you is just.....hurtful.)

I don't know if I answered your question or not.

Hugs, Plum.

Love,  P'Gell

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Plum Pudding

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Reply with quote  #4 
Well P-gell how did I know I would get some really good info from you.  I have been with my husband for a long time as well. I work but my husband is the main bread winner as well. I do majority of the work at home but he helps out from time to time. In our house even though I am a very verbal, up front person outwardly,when it comes to him I am very much so a pleaser.  Funny part about this is right after I posted this my husband and I had a conversation with him about this. Realisticly we can't do this all the time.  We have played around with the dom sub thing off and on and more sexually.  I just want it to grow a little more.  We had a great brief discussion earlier and will discuss it more tonight. thank you very much for the info you have given and i am very open to anyone else who will add to it.


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P Gell

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Reply with quote  #5 
Hey, Plum, I'm glad you and your Man are talking it out. I don't have a lot to add, except that of course, every relationship is different, and only you know when it gets to be a little draining and you have to let him know. Likewise, he has to know that he has a lot of responsibility as the Dom. (I've made jokes that I'm too damn lazy to Top. But, the Top has to understand it's not just all fun. He or She has someone's heart in his or her hands....)

I think my long post could be summed up with "I think any relationship where you are very aware of Power Play, however, you have to have mutual respect for each other. Bottoms usually wield more power in long term relationships, anyway, because we  [i]have to allow it, and we usually control it,  if you understand what I am saying."[/i] and I think only in a non-abusive, fully understood, respectful  relationship can true, pure, 100% Power Play be used properly. That's just my opinion.

As always, your mileage and everyone else's may vary.

Keep the dialogue going, though. Men tend to think "things are settled" sometimes after one talk and we, as women, (Or Subs, or whatever) need to be able to vent and restructure things, when we need to, as does he.



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Roadie

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Reply with quote  #6 
This started a conversation in our house, too. While Dreamer and I have only been married for a little over a year, it seems like its been longer (and I mean that in a good way). We, too, have a more traditional marriage. I work...she doesnt...she takes care of the house...I dont (altho I do wash dishes, know how to work the washer AND dryer, cook on week ends, the vacuum cleaner works in my hand too, etc.).

I put the question to her...do we have a Dom/Sub relationship? She says we dont, but she is in control. And sexually speaking, she is. I have always contended that a woman is always in control of sex. If she doesnt say 'yes', the stiffy stays in the pants. But...she has never said no and has never told me a suggestion I have will not work and will never happen. Guess that makes me the 'idea man'.

I have never thought the whole dom/sub thing was a good idea. I have always believed that a marriage and sex is a split responsibility thing...and everything is agreed on by both....

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Plum Pudding

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Reply with quote  #7 
You know Roadie I think it should be equal when it comes to a marriage as well. Which is why  I think it is harder to do. Sexually though I enjoy it. Even though I submit in actuality I can control quite a bit. I have been married for going on 18yrs now. I think this is just something that we are thinking about to add something new. For some reason we like to experiment and dibble annd dabble. lol
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Reply with quote  #8 
Like I said, every relationship is different. Sub/Dom or Top/Bottom relationships are not usually about force and is rarely nonconsensual at all. Like Plum and I both agreed, the Bottom usually has more control because she (or he) has to allow and OK what happens. The "Play" comes in when the Top appears to be controlling the Scene, and some Bottoms like to feel like they have no control, even when the control is mostly theirs, under the Play.

I also think one doesn't have to get out the whips and leather to have a relationship like this. (you can but you don't have to.) Some people like to be aggressive or Dominant in bed, and some people like to be "controlled" or Submissive but in a manner they have already OKed, either verbally or otherwise.

I didn't mean to imply that all Traditional relationships, where the Man works for income, and the Woman takes care of House, Home, Man and Children is necessarily S/D.  Many are not. It depends on how both of you view the Power Dynamic in and out of the bedroom.

Power Play can be very complicated.

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Reply with quote  #9 
Thank you for this post as it's helped clear up some of my confusion.
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Reply with quote  #10 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Roadie

This started a conversation in our house, too. While Dreamer and I have only been married for a little over a year, it seems like its been longer (and I mean that in a good way). We, too, have a more traditional marriage. I work...she doesnt...she takes care of the house...I dont (altho I do wash dishes, know how to work the washer AND dryer, cook on week ends, the vacuum cleaner works in my hand too, etc.).

I put the question to her...do we have a Dom/Sub relationship? She says we dont, but she is in control. And sexually speaking, she is. I have always contended that a woman is always in control of sex. If she doesnt say 'yes', the stiffy stays in the pants. But...she has never said no and has never told me a suggestion I have will not work and will never happen. Guess that makes me the 'idea man'.

I have never thought the whole dom/sub thing was a good idea. I have always believed that a marriage and sex is a split responsibility thing...and everything is agreed on by both....


Neat ideas. I never thought of powerplay that way. See ...to me, the boyfriend and I are D/s (M/s if we're getting specific.) Powerplay is how our relationship works - even before the days where we had "agreed" and talked about all of it. I hate being out of control and for the most part, I'm not much for a show of blatant affection. He requires knowing he is protected and that I love him and find him attractive and want to keep dating him. In a way, that's how we do it. To us (and many other couples, and if you don't agree, that's cool - just sayin', the ultimate form of trust is a D/s relationship like that because he wears my collar (discreetly) and knows that, if I ask him do to something, it's the final say. But when you pick who you will wish as your Dominant, that thought has to come into play - would this person keep me safe? And yes, I would. I'd never require him to do anything that would screw up his life. (I love requiring him to do things that he grumbles about though. Those make me giggle.)

To me, there's nothing more trusting than to have a naked person completely chained down with no way to get out in front of you while you have sharp, stingy objects to strike them with. It requires a complete sense of trust since you have to know they aren't going to keep going past your consent point and you have to trust that they know what they're doing.

That's my side of it. My thoughts are getting jumbled ('tis 6:30 in the morning), so I shall leave it at that.

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