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jani

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Reply with quote  #1 
i've just found this forum and am hoping it is alright to post here; i haven't found a post that really hits on this subject...
i'm a 43 year old (young) woman - take care of myself mentally and physically and - without trying to sound egotistical - still am able to turn some heads.  my husband and i have been together 13 years and i love him and am still, overall, glad to be together.  he is 63.  and, i suppose, therein lies the problem.  about 5 years ago sex started becoming, um, less frequent - to where we now have sex perhaps twice a year.  he says quite simply that he has no desire anymore.  he's been to many doctors and there is nothing wrong with him physically - he has (and actually will admit this to me) just let sex "go" and really doesn't need/want it to be a part of his life anymore.
nothing i've tried has worked to bring this back into our lives, and i've tried everything i can think of - short of leaving.  so i suppose my question here is --- what's next?  has anyone dealt with this, male or female?  any advice/suggestions would be really appreciated. 
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joanprice

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Reply with quote  #2 
Jani, as I'm sure you know, sex in a relationship isn't just about one partner's erotic desire -- it's also about bonding, pleasuring the other person, expressing love, touching skin, so many things.

Have you tried to get your husband to go to a counselor with you? It sounds like your relationship may depend on getting some help working out the desire disparity so that your intmacy is alive and satisfying. I don't think you can resolve this on your own.

I wish there were an easy answer.

-- Joan

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Joan Price

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Olehippy

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Reply with quote  #3 
I feel your pain, having gone threw something like it.  I too tried to save what was left, and yes still loved her but living without that personal contact can become so stressful that you want to just give up. I don't know what steps you have tried besides the ones you mentioned but there are more and talking with a therapist might help but with the male ego might only make the problem worst. First is finding one and a good one.  Many of these so called relationship (sex) therapist are book smart but few have very little street smarts or good ole common sense. Above all he is going to want to have help.  Does he truly realize just how much this is affecting you?  Have you ever just said to him, either get with it or I will go out and find it somewhere else?  If not try it but explain that it is not love you are looking for just that sexual release. There are pills to make it grow but I haven't seen anything out there that can make the mind want it. Sometimes you have to slap a person to wake them up to reality, your a woman who God bless you still wants to enjoy sex and he is the person you picked to enjoy it with, but now he doesn't want that.  There is something wrong here, maybe he lacks the confidence that he can satisfy you, or that  you still find him sexy. Maybe a night of kinkiness might be in order. Think outside the box and hopefully he will come around, and if you don't have a clue as to what to do read some of the stories on her and act some of the things out that others have done or written about. Or let me know and I will send you some suggestions once I get the full story.
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joanprice

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Reply with quote  #4 
"it is not love you are looking for just that sexual release."

I don't know for sure that Jani is just looking for sexual release -- she may be looking for the emotional intimacy with her husband that comes with sexual expression. If it's just release, though, I dont advise that she "slap a person to wake them up to reality." A skilled therapist can help them work on negotiating what they both want and need. Maybe he really is done with sex and is open to her meeting her needs with other people -- or maybe he's willing to pleasure her so that she doesn't need to do this. It's a delicate situation.

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Joan Price

Author of Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty (http://www.joanprice.com/BetterThanExpected.htm)

Join us -- we're talking about ageless sexuality at http://www.betterthanieverexpected.blogspot.com
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Hank Alvarez

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Reply with quote  #5 
Jani: please listen to Joan. Twenty years is a big gap to bridge and I agree a counselor just might be able to help. For what it's worth, my wife and I are sixteen years apart and sometimes it takes real effort to keep up with her but the rewards are worth it. When the time comes that I can't I hope they close the lid on me. I'd say you husband is a lucky guy to have you. Hank
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jani

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Reply with quote  #6 
hi again.

thanks for those of you that responded, and for taking the time to write and offer suggestions.  i realize, after reading responses to my post, that i was not clear on a few things...

- we have been to counseling - once with a female sex therapist for about 3 months, and the more recent time was with a male therapist for about 7 months.  nothing changed.  essentially whatever the therapist(s) suggested my husband would profess to be interested in, and then nothing would happen.  we'd go once a week, suggestions were made by the therapist, assurances were made that these things would be done/tried, and then...  another week went by and we'd be in the office again, with my husband making excuses or offering apologies for why he didn't do whatever it was. 

- i think it's important to clarify that physical intimacy is there between my husband and i, in the form of hugs, mutual support, lots of intellectual conversation, even the occasional tap on the rear.  but that's where it begins and ends.  nothing past that. 

i do not want to mistakenly portray that i'm the stereotypical woman who needs to be caressed, complimented, validated, hugged, etc.  i get all of that.  if i'm going to be completely, brutally honest and frank, i need to have sex - physical release with another human being.  i've talked about this clearly with my husband, and even suggested that if he's decided sex is no longer on the table with/between us than i should have the option to seek it elsewhere.  he unilaterally says that's not ok.

it's complicated, as the saying goes.  i love my husband.  i'm not interested in throwing our relationship overboard.  however, at the same time, i don't know how to endure this.  perhaps these clarifications paint a more complete picture.  again, thanks to all.
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joanprice

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Reply with quote  #7 
Thank you for clarifying. It sounds like your husband is not willing to change, not willing to work on it, and not willing to permit you other outlets. That's just not fair. You say you're "not interested in throwing our relationship overboard" -- but isn't that what your husband is doing?

You've tried therapy with him -- maybe now it's time to go to a therapist on your own to explore how to seek other outlets and how to tell him that you need to do this. You're only 43, with decades of sexual enjoyment in front of you. It's just not fair for him to expect you to close down this part of yourself.

I'm not a therapist, so please don't take my advice as anything other than one person's opinion, but in my work, I do hear from women in their 50s, 60s, 70s, who tell me that this happened to them when they were your age or thereabouts, and it never got better. 

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Joan Price

Author of Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty (http://www.joanprice.com/BetterThanExpected.htm)

Join us -- we're talking about ageless sexuality at http://www.betterthanieverexpected.blogspot.com
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Olehippy

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Reply with quote  #8 
Joan sorry if you took what I was saying the wrong way, it was just some logical thoughts that might have not been on the table before.  I have seen this happen not only with the male shutting down but also on the female side and more often than not therapy doesn't work because the people receiving it will say they will try and then go right back to being like they were when it started.  Most seem to think that nothing is wrong with the way they feel and that with getting older this is the norm but in reality it is just the other way. Some times there are medical conditions that cause it that can be dealt with but more likely it is a metal block that is causing the problems. 
Janie states that,"I need to have sex-physical release with another human being.  So there in lies the problem, loving someone who give you everything but that physical love that you need.  She also state that he still hugs, has conversations, and occasional tab on the ass, but you can get some of this from a loving pet. The physical intimacy is there but that is about all.  His refusal to change is the most upsetting point and his refusal to allow her to seek out release somewhere else is boarding on mental and emotional abuse. It will no dough bring changes into the relationship that could and more than likely bring about a end to it. Hopefully he will get this threw his thick skull before it get to the point of no return.

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Just a ole hippy at heart, been around the block more that I care to think about. Lived a full life and looking to add to it. Memories are wonderful but making them is much more fun.
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Hank Alvarez

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Reply with quote  #9 
I hate to say it, but if a counselor can't help a lot times an attorney can. If he's not willing to change then you might want to look into a divorce because there are a lot of other fish in the sea. You might have reached a point where you are throwing good years after bad. I had to do that after twenty-one years of marriage to a woman who sounded a lot like your mate and frankly it was a real bitch but I've never looked back. Hank
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Tabu Toypro

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Reply with quote  #10 
Hey Ole Hippy -
You had originally hit the nail on the head!

Dearest Jani -
Since your husband is against you going outside your marriage for sex, what has he suggested? He's done with sex, and that's fine, but you aren't.
Couples can get through all kinds of things: One eats meat, the other doesn't. They may both follow different religions, like my folks. They may each like differnet types of movies or sports or have different parenting styles...but they compromise. Isn't that what makes any relationship work? What is he doing to compromise?

Maybe you should send him an email link to the TabuToys dildo section...and I mean that sincerely. Toys aren't a replacement for sex, that's for sure, but oh what a Hitachi Magic Wand can do for your, ahem...stress.

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Olehippy

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Reply with quote  #11 
Hey Toypro, I have to agree with you thoughts of sending him the link but why give him a chance to shut her down before she gets a chance to enjoy them first.  Just maybe she takes your idea up and he walks in and sees how much fun and how excited she is might kick his libido into action, or she will find a new friend even if he doesn't get the point that she is a woman on a mission.  It's a sad state when one part of a relationship decides to shut down and not realize that the other half is not ready to live that kind of lifestyle. I'm sure that one way or the other this gentleman is going to get the idea threw his thick skull, and hopefully for her sake it will work out good for her either way.
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Just a ole hippy at heart, been around the block more that I care to think about. Lived a full life and looking to add to it. Memories are wonderful but making them is much more fun.
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Hank Alvarez

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Reply with quote  #12 
Here's my two cents worth. Another possibility might be "chemistry." A friend of mine was having problems with depression and the medication the doctor prescribed left him about as hard as cooked spaghetti and that's going to inhibit any guy. Your man might need a good physical exam, a trip to a urologist and possibly a shrink before you put him out to pasture or shoot him. Hank
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Hank Alvarez

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Reply with quote  #13 
After thinking about this for a long time, bury the poor bastard. When I no longer want my honey I hope someone puts me out of my misery, nails the lid closed securely and piles a lot of dirt on it. Hank
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Clairebear

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Reply with quote  #14 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hank Alvarez

After thinking about this for a long time, bury the poor bastard. When I no longer want my honey I hope someone puts me out of my misery, nails the lid closed securely and piles a lot of dirt on it. Hank


Hank, you could make me switch. You keep posting and I'll keep laughing.
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Hank Alvarez

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Reply with quote  #15 
Switch from what? I was just in one of my moods yesterday. I hope I didn't hurt or piss anybody off. Hank
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