TabuToys Moderator
Oh Craiglist, you complete me-

Date: 2004-09-14, 4:59PM EDT

Wow. It's been great making out with you, a real live boy, on this couch for 15 minutes. I can see that now, after the conversation we had and the beer you bought me after your friend introduced us at the party, you think it's about time you enjoyed the fruits of your labor. About time you got a blow job from me.

And let me tell you, you came to the right place. Because the world is populated by guys like you; in fact I'm willing to bet there's not one man in the whole wide world who doesn't think he deserves an on-the-couch blow job the first time he makes out with someone, so fear not. This is territory that any girl over the age of 15 has seen many, many times. So don't think I won't do it. There's just a few things I need from you first.

First, I would appreciate it if you would wash your genitals once a day. Just once a day. Heck, you can even do it while you're IN the shower washing anyway. Because guys like you -- don't blame me for presuming -- often live under the gross misunderstanding that their genitals do not stink. Oddly, this is simultaneously the VERY SAME reason they give for not giving us girls oral sex. Listen while I compare the maintenance habits of me and you -- it'll only take a second and I'll get right to it, swear to God.

So. Here's what girls do. We scrub our genitals -- front to back, inside and out -- every day under a high-pressure stream of hot water, using expensive soap designed to both moisturize and leave a pleasant scent. Then we shave most of our genitals. You might think that's an easy task. No, no, my friend. It is not easy. It requires bending, twisting, squatting, stretching and sometimes a hand-held mirror. It must be done every day, but it cannot be rushed. What may be passed off as a "nick" on, say, my knees or your face, can rise to the level of emergency-room-visit when wielding a sharp object so near one's particulars. So. The shaving. Then once a month we go to a snooty spa and spend $80 -- without tip -- for a wax. That's even more fun. That's where we climb up on a table wearing paper panties and then a stranger walks in and starts applying hot wax to our genitals. Often they ask us to assume a particalurly demeaning position -- on all fours, say, or holding one ankle above our heads -- to get every last hair off. And, dude, it hurts. Really. Once we're properly hairless, then we apply TendSkin to prevent red bumps, lotion to prevent any flaky skin and high-priced exfoliating scrub every other day to prevent ingrown hairs. When all is well, we scent our panties and go about our dressing for our big date with you, the super cute boy. Why all this preparation, you ask? It's just so that when we DO manage to be making out with you, you can scrunch up your nose, look at our genitals and say that you "don't do that." You're like, "Sorry, it's not you, I just don't..." And we're like, "Oh, no. It's OK," secretly resenting every painful minute of our genital-prep time. OK, OK, that's us. Now here's you.

You probably run a wet bar of Irish Spring under your armpits every morning and, if we're lucky, maybe take a swipe near your unmentionables. That's the beginning and the end, am I right? You might be surprised to find that Irish Spring or no, you STILL may be stinky. It's true! See, guys secrete sweat and stuff down there, just like girls. And it's an area that never gets any sunlight or fresh air, just like girls. You piss and shit and sometimes it doesn't all go away, just like girls. You have hair down there, just like girls. See where I'm going with this? You may stink as bad -- nay, worse! -- than me, the lucky lady about to put your cock and balls in my mouth. But have you ever heard a girl say she "doesn't do that"? Exactly. We don't say that. So do me a favor, please, and tomorrow start scrubbing your gentials with the same fervor I scrub mine. And consider buying wet toilet paper, it really does help you stay clean throughout the day. Anytime you think you might be perfectly clean, just rub a finger around your testicles and butt crack, then smell it. If comes up Irish Spring, perfect. If not, just think. I'm going to have to put my face in that.

So. Sorry to blabber on so long. I promise I'm almost done and we can start the fabuloso blow job I know you've been thinking about ever since that fateful night when you looked at me and said, "'Sup?" Just a couple more things. Listen to me now. I give pretty good blowjobs. Seriously. I do. For a non-porn-star, I'm willing to bet this is about as good as you're ever going to get. But hear me out. If you want to put your dick in my mouth, that is perfectly fine with me. But you need to respect the fact that my teeth were there first. I can't, sadly, do anything with them as the Good Lord has seen fit to leave me all my teeth at this late age of 26 and I don't have dentures. So if you have a serious problem with teeth touching your penis, here's what I suggest you do: Don't put your dick in other people's mouths. See, that's where all the teeth are. It is soooo easy to avoid getting my teeth against your dick. Just stop putting it in my mouth. Voila! If you insist on putting your dick in my mouth, and I can see that you do, I can promise to do my best to dis-locate my jaw to give you a blowjob that is all suck, spit and tongue. But sometimes you may feel a tooth. Whoops! No need to freak out. The same goes for anal sex, should we ever find ourselves down that path in the future. If you ever want to put your dick up my ass, and don't even pretend, I know you will, that's OK. As long as I feel like you care about me and respect me, that's totally OK. But if I let you put your dick up my butthole, please don't freak out if, afterward, you discover a speck of fecal matter on your penis on our way to the shower. Wow. That really embarasses me, believe me. No need to point it out. And if you do point it out, I can tell you there's a simple solution for not getting fecal matter on your penis. What you do is, stop putting it in other people's assholes. See how easy that is?

But I digress. We're not talking about anal sex here, are we? We're talking about oral sex, about the blowjob you expect from me because you got me that Amstel Light at the show, when you totally could've just gone Coors Light. My hat's off, sir. You deserve a treat. So here goes. Now that we've had this little talk, I hope our oral sex experiences can be positive for both of us. Oh. One last thing. I'm going to swallow, OK?, and that doesn't mean I love you and want to marry you. That means I'll taste it less and won't have your semen coursing over my tongue as I spit it out. So don't read anything into that. Thanks for listening, and enjoy.

this is in or around Atlanta

PostingID: 42452492
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Olehippy
I can't help but think this was written by about half the women I have been with. Needless to say I'm a odd ball and actually talk to the woman I am with about sex. Not only after but before and during. If the setting is right I like to shower before making love and this can be very interesting not only for them but me also. Usually I like the foreplay for a while but before we begin any oral or insertion, I suggest that we take a shower together. You would be surprised how many woman have never showered with a man. Normally its a tight fit but where there's a will there's a way. I don't mind getting my head hair wet but most woman take a lot of time making theirs look good for you so be kind and either get her a shower cap or be very careful not to get her's wet. Showering can be very erotic and sexual, take you time and soap her up everywhere, inside and out, she'll love it, then make sure you do the same or have her do the same to use, and always rinse twice, no need getting a soapy mouth is you don't need to. Then dry her off and even apply scented oil or whatever she normally uses. Take her out and give her a drink and place her on the bed and tell her to relax and go finish drying your own hair and splash some after shave and pit spray but keep this away from your neck, ears nipples, and crotch, it might smell good but it tastes like shit. Use a finger and put some just above the ears, on the forehead. along side your nose and between your own breast. And just a dab will go a long way.

Get yourself a drink and return to the bed, sit in a upright position and have her lay with her head on your chest, your arm around her caressing her shoulder and then her breast. As her what she likes, nipple play, kissing, nibbling, and then ask about oral, about now her hand will more than likely be stoking your cock or rubbing your balls. Tell her how good that feels and then lean down got to work.  Remember its only called eating pussy, you don't actually try and make a meal out of it. Think of licking a ice cream cone, then  have a wonderful time. She will be squirming and shaking in no time.  Make her cum a few times and I'm sure that she will at some point want to return the favor. When she does, don't grab the back of her head like a shifter in a race car and try and direct her with it. A hand on her shoulder can work just as well as long as you talk to her and let her know what you like. As her if she wants you to come in her mouth or not. Some woman have a fear of sperm, others love the taste, ask but make sure its well before that first shot hits the back of her throat. Teach her how to prolong it by squeezing at the base when you tell her and for Gods sake if she wants to take it out of her mouth and rest her jaws for a couple of minutes don't act like your mad, and don't be impatient, once her jaw muscles relax she will surely go back and keep working on  it.

And when and if you do cum in her mouth, when she comes up to kiss you, you turn your head and shy away. Remember what was just in her mouth just came out of your body, sperm is not full of germs, and she will love that face that you don't think what she just did was dirty. I have yet to have a woman shy away from kissing me with tongue after I just got thru eating out her and letting her cum over my face, some have even licked it off  so that also add to the excitement. 
Just a ole hippy at heart, been around the block more that I care to think about. Lived a full life and looking to add to it. Memories are wonderful but making them is much more fun.
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Tabu Toypro
Well said, Ole Hippy. Great advice here - spot on with the after shave! 
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Adriana
I can't say I've ever been as "diligent" as the author of this "Ad" but hilarious.


Showering together is great - if you know the person. With less a familiar person, it just becomes creepy.
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Olehippy
Adriana wrote:

I can't say I've ever been as "diligent" as the author of this "Ad" but hilarious.


Showering together is great - if you know the person. With less a familiar person, it just becomes creepy.


Adriana, your thoughts on showering together made me laugh but in a good way. What do you find creepy about it when you will other wise be laying in bed taking his member in your mouth or he licking on your pussy? Besides a shower give each of you time to explore each others bodies and get use to them. Creepy would come to mind if he or she had the same genitalia as you have. Other wise each body is different tho they all have the same basic equipment. Size and shape, and color might be different but that's about the extent of it. I have seen many differences in the human body and none have turned me off or have I ever found them to be creepy just different, ie, after dating for a while one young lady she always refuses to remove her blouse, when she finally decided to explain it to me she told me she had breast cancer a few years back and had to have her left breast removed but they did reconstructive surgery at the same time and she thought that I might be put off by it.  I assured her that it didn't make a difference to me except that it showed me that she a strong woman and I was proud to know her.  She cried and then asked if I would mind if she did remove her blouse, and when she did she watched me for a reaction,  I didn't have any and we talked about it and once she found that it was just another part of her body and I accepted it she was happy beyond belief. After that she had more confidence and walked a little straighter. As time went on she said she developed more sensitivity in the reconstructed breast and we had wonderful times together.
Just a ole hippy at heart, been around the block more that I care to think about. Lived a full life and looking to add to it. Memories are wonderful but making them is much more fun.
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Adriana
It's not about bodies. It's about levels of emotional intimacy, I suppose. Showering together is much more vulnerable than having sex. Showering with a one night stand is a little too American Psycho for me. If I were invited into someone's shower who I barely knew, I'd expect them to be waiting with an axe.
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