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Here's a darling post by Essin-Em. She reveals her Three Commandments for Good Sex


Sexual Manifesto

I have a rule - I only have good sex. I mean, yes, it can be amazing, mind blowing, ridiculous, fabulous, etc…but at the bare minimum, it is GOOD sex. Good means that I am happy. I am satisfied. I had fun. I wasn’t thinking about whether my parking meter was out of time (been there), or about the book I’m reading (been there), or what colors I should paint my nails next (been there too). Good sex is sex I enjoy, that I would like to have again, sex that doesn’t make me want to chew off my own arm to get away. I have decided I will only have good sex from now on.

People always laugh when I say this. They think I’m joking.  However, since I have instituted this rule in my life, I have had “not good” sex once, by accident.  Over a year ago.  Since then, only good sex.

How do I do it?

If I had to provide people with my sexual manifesto, there would be three commandments to start out.  Follow them, and you too will have good sex.

Commandment I

Communication is key. Thou shall communicate; with yourself and with your partners.

If you cannot talk with the person you’re having sex with, well, why the hell are you having sex with them? You’re opening yourself to them.  Tell them what you like, ask for what they need. Find out what they like and need. There is nothing wrong with talking before, during, and after sex. If something feels good, say so. If something doesn’t feel good, tell them what does. Do you want to add toys? Want to be tied up? Love watching porn to get you all kinds of turned on? Communicate with yourself - if you don’t know what you want or need, how can anyone else give it to you?  If you need X, Y and Z in order for sex to be satisfying for you, then ASK FOR X, Y AND Z.  It seems simple, but we all view ourselves as good communicators…and most of us are, about things that don’t involve sex. 

Communicate, and thou shall go far.

Commandment II

Laughter is the fruit of the gods, or something like that. Thou shall laugh, at yourself and at the situations you may be in.

Sex is ridiculous.  It is.  As hot and bothered as you may get while watching porn (hell, I know I do), take a moment to look at other people having sex.  It’s silly, it’s funny, there are odd noises, we made crazy sounds, sometimes we fall off the bed, sometimes the cat jumps on the bed, etc.  Sex does not have to be deep and serious - it can be fun and full of laughter.  If you cannot laugh with the person who is having sex with you, how can you let them do other things to you?

Laugh, and thou shall be rewarded.

Commandment III

Lube is love. Thou shall use lube, much of it. And then probably, thou shall add some more.

Again, many people think this is a joke. What does lube have to do with amazing sex? For many people, the answer is everything.  For people on a variety of medications, they have trouble lubricating naturally (as someone on allergy medication my entire life, I have never been naturally dripping wet).  Other people just don’t lube up as much.  Some people get dripping wet, but if you’re going to fuck them for an hour or two or three, at some point, their own lube (just like synthetic lube) will dry out. Anuses are not naturally lubricated. Basically, there is almost not situation where a little extra (or a lot extra) lube would not make for better sex. Wetter IS better.  And if you have too much (which I’ve NEVER experienced, but hypothetically), you can always wipe it off. 

Use lube, and thou shall be be slippery and satisfied.

Follow these suggestions, and good sex is sure to be on your horizons.


Other things I think about sex/sexuality:

*Sex is good. It is not a negative thing, or anything to be ashamed of. I am reclaiming sex.

*Sex work is a perfectly acceptable career option

*Sexuality Education should include more than prevention and pregnancy talk. Namely, identity, practices, fetishes, kinks, types of relationships, etc.

*Gender is not a binary. Nor should it be a spectrum. Rather, it is an explosion.

*I hate the term “Gold Star Lesbian” - I am a shooting star dyke. Just so you know.

*I think we should start talking about sexuality with children, probably in 2nd grade (age appropriate of course).

*I think identities are sacred. I accept other identities, even if they sometimes don’t make sense to me. I’d never dream of telling someone how to identify, or not identify.

*I love the word cunt.

*I have reclaimed the word slut. I do not think of it as a negative thing.

*We have so much love inside of us, for so many people. There is no “one” - only people we love in different manners.
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Adriana
Good advice! Essin' Em is great
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