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from our email box: dear tabu toys, is there anything out there that will help me have an orgasm when i am in a very hot and heavy sexual encounter with the one person that i want to have one with. he is getting very!!! upset. he thinks it is him but it is not him at all. what can i do!!! help please  -Frustrated!

Dear Frustrated,

Do you masturbate on your own without him? To make this work, you’ll need to be able to tell him where to touch you, how to touch you, etc, in order to ensure that you get your O during sex with him. If you haven’t masturbated, you cannot truly know where your “hot spot” is, and it can be hard to explain to him what he can do to help you in your quest for the O during sex.

Men and women orgasm differently. It can take up to 20 minutes of intense sexual stimulation for a woman to orgasm! You are not alone and there is nothing “wrong” with you. We hear from many women in their 30s admitting they’ve never had an orgasm. Your main goal is to relax and even fantasize during sex. Nothing wrong with a little fantasy to put your mind in the right place for an orgasm. If you are wound up and trying to force it, you’ll never be able to achieve it.

Your partner needs to back off the anger and focus on what arouses you. He’s going to have to take the time with your direction to find out where your hot button is. If he performs oral sex on you while slipping in a finger or two, you should be able to orgasm within about 10 minutes. You will have to tell him where it feels better and (more importantly) what not to do if there is something turning you off. Communication is going to be key until you’ve figured out what works.

You may need to introduce a vibrator to help stimulate your clitoris. For $25 you can get the Fukuoku Vibe which straps onto a finger! Or if you prefer an internal vibrator, go for your G-spot with the Lucid Dream.

It’s highly likely that you won’t orgasm during sex at first. You’ll have to have him warm you up with lots of foreplay and then move on to him and his orgasm.

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