A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. 

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!' 

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.  A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'  The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?' 

And then the fight started.....
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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.  I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. 
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' 

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?' 

And then the fight started.....

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. 

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'  'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' 

And then the fight started... 
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roboticblow
The first one is the best ))
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