Taken from my blog The Best of Vulva Massage: An Anthology of Erotic Touch.

One confusing thing on the box: The back says the DVD is 4 hours long, but I clocked the entire footage at just 1 hr. and 57 minutes. There's even a little note following the summary: Special features include more than two hours of entirely new erotic teaching. Um, no, they don't. The "special features" consists of the list of educators, the footage information from where each vignette was taken, and the credits. That's it.

The film begins with the usual cheesy music, but it has a mystical-sounding touch to it. Why do people attach mysticism to sex, especially orgasm? It always makes me cringe and roll my eyes. But that's not really a knock on the overall film, just a personal thing of mine. The opening sequence consists of title information and a chorus line of vulvae that flash one by one on the screen. The flashing speeds up to a point of annoyance and induction of nausea, so I ended up having to look away.

Each vignette is preceded by a close-up of a vagina with its outer lips closed. A mystical bell sounds as the lips open up to reveal the genitalia. Then the genitalia spasms, and each time I swear the damn thing is going to start talking! The film recommends that one should have a full-body massage before engaging in vulval massage. As such, the first vignette is of a man giving a full-body massage to a completely naked woman.

I like the diversity that's represented in the anthology. Not everyone is caucasian and not all of the women are partnered with men. There is one female-female couple. Most of the vignettes feature couples, but Sprinkle's features her with two other women, and another features a male-female couple supporting a female receiving orgasm therapy. There's even a pregnant female. Older couple? Check. Solo female? check. A note on the bodies of the participants: There are no flawless bodies here. There are stretch marks, jiggly thighs, dimples, etc. There's not even a shaved cunt in sight. These are real women having real orgasms.

There's a few massage techniques that you get to witness very up-close and personal. Admittedly, some of the names got a few snickers out of me:

Temple Gate Tease
Twist & Shout
Lust Thrust
Tour de France
Womb Drumming

There's great communication between the partners, and I really enjoyed seeing that even if the submissive part of me is thinking, "Don't fucking ask for permission to enter her with your fingers, just do it!" But I get the reason for it. This is about the female and her needs and pleasure. And there is definitely some hot pleasuring going on throughout the film. After I watched the first hour the first time, I went off to my bedroom and had a wank.

There was one vignette that I didn't care for and that was Sprinkle's. Ms. Sprinkle is laid out on a floor and is using what appears to be a Hitachi wand on her clit while two females fuck her with their hands. Sprinkle is demonstrating her "megagasm." She has a very powerful orgasm that spans about 4 minutes or so. And she screams and shrieks...the entire freaking time. I mean, I get it--she's having a mind-blowing orgasm, but holy fuck I just wanted her to shut up!

And then there was one particularly powerful scene that I think is the best bit. A woman who appears to be in her 40s is having a session with Victor Gold. I just searched for Gold and found his website. This is part of the biography: ...holistic health educator specializing in erotic spirituality. He has a private practice offering tantric instruction and sexual healing... His website screams new-age and true to this the setting in the film is filled with purple and turquoise pillows and jewelry. The woman calls her vagina her "yoni," refers to a "goddess," and talks about "drawing down the feminine power." *eyeroll*

At first the dialogue between Gold and the woman seems written, but the eye contact she gives him and her confessions and crying makes me think it's not. Yep, she cries. And she nearly made me cry, too. I had to look away from the screen because it was just too emotional. Never fear, she has plenty of orgasms as well...very wet ones in fact.

The scenes involving older couples are disappointingly brief. One is a quick demonstration of female ejaculation ("divine nectar" *cringe*) along with extended/multiple orgasms. The other is a clip from Juliet Anderson's Ageless Desire. It's great seeing an older couple being sensual and sexual even if the dialogue is a bit cheesy. At least they're given enough screen time to orgasm.

I'm bothered by one message: "Genital therapy can heal emotional states and memories." Cut to a scene of a woman being brought to orgasm while her friends comfort her and assures her she is loved. From what I can gather, the woman is working through some issues. The thing is, you don't know how she is after her session. I've had orgasms relieve emotional distress, but I wasn't healed. I don't think there's any evidence that emotional problems can be healed simply through "genital therapy." Temporarily relieved, sure...healed, no.

I didn't cover all of the scenes here because I would've gone on too long. I've already edited this down by a few paragraphs. Overall, I enjoyed The Best of Vulva Massage and I plan on viewing it again and learn to perfect the techniques.
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