Olehippy
[b][/Eight years ago the wife and I got bad news. After finding a small lump in her left breast she was told it was cancerous by a Doctor who's bedside manner was the worst I have ever encountered.  After all the crying and why me stuff was over and wanting a second opinion, he sent her a letter saying basically that he was not going to treat her since she wouldn't do what he wanted right off. Screw him, and I told him so next time we went to the clinic and I saw him in the hall. Needless to say the little shit actually got pissed and thought he was going to take a swing at me but my Doc intervined  and told him to back off before he got himself hurt.  Anyway  the wife isn't that big chested but it was always enough to keep me interested and I was very supportive of anything she wanted to do and even thought a cancer survivor friend of mind got her in to a place with some great specialist and I can't say enough good about these people.

With her age at the time 50 and what the doctors had explained she opted for breast removal and reconstruction at the same time.  She also opted out of any kemo or radiation and decided to just take her chances which was luckily for us the best way seeing as very little cancer was found and they probably got it all. She has been cancer free ever since but her sex drive took a nose dive and never pulled up. I didn't push the subject till about 2 years latter and with blue balls the size of a blimp.  I tried to get her to talk to someone, anyone, as I have great insurance but she just refuses. She has even gotten to the point of saying that I am a pervert and at our age sex shouldn't be a big deal.  Excuse me, I happen to like sex, and I have tried to show her that even tho she only has one nipple it doesn't mean anything to me, I pay homage to both equality. I've tired everything I can think of to get her back into the swing of things but she refuses to even try and will only give me a blowjob about once every 3 or 4 months.  I on the other hand still am trying by playing with her body as much as she will let me or till she just rolls over and tells me to go to sleep.  At this point after 30 years of marriage I am actually seriously thinking of looking outside for some release instead of getting anymore callouses on my palms. I love her as much today as I did the day we met and more but she is making it very tough for me .

So I guess what I am asking is, 1. When in these circumstances is it time to jump the fence and seen what the others side has to offer.  2. Just how dammed will I be for doing this by others if it is made public? 3. Who else could I get to talk to her if she would talk to someone and how do I go about getting her to talk to someone. 4. Last and not at all  a real option but one that might have to be made, do I just see a lawyer and get out of this relationship. (only 1 adult child to think about) or do I just keep living a life that I am not happy being in.?

Any comment or ideas will be taking into consideration. Thanks for listening to the rant.

Just a ole hippy at heart, been around the block more that I care to think about. Lived a full life and looking to add to it. Memories are wonderful but making them is much more fun.
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I wish I knew the answer to that. If you find out please let me know.
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Roadie
Hippy...First of all you have my and Dreamer's congratulations on you wife's courageous battle with cancer. My wife died in December, 2006 of lung and brain cancer at the age of 52. I KNOW what a struggle it is and how difficult it can be.

While the advice I am about to give will NOT help you with your wife's desire for sex, it may be a starting point for you to look into.

Part of Sheri's (my late wife) problem was her thinking she could do everything by herself. I was completely shut out. She only heard half of what the Doctor's told her and believed less than that. Therefore, what I got was less than nothing...I had no clue what was going on. It got to the point where we didn't even talk, much less have any kind of intimate contact. I basically got the same story you did...she's sick, I'm a pervert.

One afternoon, I couldn't take it anymore. I let it all out. I told her I was having a problem with her refusal to include me. While I understood SHE was the one with the cancer and she was the one going through the treatment (she only got radiation...she decided to forego chemo), but this affected BOTH of us. I told her how very much I loved her, no matter her condition. I almost demanded that I be included in everything that happened, but in a very loving, kind way, as only a loving husband can do that feels helpless.

As a "test' of my sincerity (sp?) she told me to go with her to her next radiation appt (she went at 10 am). I would have to take a day off from work (which I didn't get paid for) but I went...gladly. She saw that I meant every word I told her about wanting to be included. I even learned how to start her tube feeder...I learned that changing diapers on an adult is not fun...I learned how to shave her head to get rid of the clumps of remaining hair. I learned the things that needed to be not only learned but learned things that only a partner can do for another. But it proved to her that I did indeed love her and wanted to be a part of all aspects of her life.

While this did nothing for our sex life, it did increase our intimacy. Her cancer was VERY aggressive and her massive amounts of radiation made her very weak. We sat on the couch and held hands...we slept close to each other at night (which had ceased)...we talked about our life.

I guess what I am saying is this. Nowhere in your post did you mention anything about talking. That should be your next step. If you jump the fence, you will find yourself very much alone. If you step outside the bonds of marriage now, she will find out and it will destroy her. If you seek a divorce, it will destroy her. Pardon my french, but fuck what ANYONE says...this concerns just you and your beautiful bride.

My advice would be that sex should not be a part of ANY discussion you have with her. I am sure you both remember what it was like...especially after 30 years of marriage! I think that the intimacy you would like will come back...you just have to show her that is not a priority...she is...as she is.

Dreamer read this and says I am "calling you out" on this because, to her, it seems you are making this all about sex. I know better. Considering what the Forum is, I can see why. I hope that is not all this is about.

Sorry this was so long...I'm speaking from my heart. My Friend, you and your wife are in my prayers and my thoughts. I wish you the best of luck. I hope I have given you something to consider.
Lovin My Wife...Lovin Life

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Adriana
I think Roadie has some good advice. Communications is key to all parts of the relationship, including sex. Increasing intimacy may help the sex drive.

However, since your wife is expressing concerns about you being a pervert, I think that it would do her good to talk to someone else. A religious figure? A sister? Someone to share her pain maybe.

I wonder if she really thinks your sex life should be over or if it's more deeply rooted in her struggled with her health.
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Hank Alvarez
Man, I feel for you. After twenty-one years of marriage to a walking freezer who was taught by her religious fanatic mother that sex was only for procreation and something you did only occasionally and reluctantly for your husband, I'm ashamed to say eventually I gave up.

After a few years of this bullshit I looked on the other side of the fence, numerous times, and it wasn't good. It was probably harder on me because I was discreet, but later I felt dirty. We lasted longer than of our immediate circle of friends but when she wouldn't go for counseling,  which is the first thing I would suggest to you as a couple, I just had to go. Like Roadie, and the rest say, "Communication is the key," but it's worthless if only one party is listening.

In my case, two of our kids were grown and they'd already left the nest. I know I lost my youngest son's respect when I divorced his mother but I still think it was better than losing my sanity. When I explained to my other two kids that it was that or kill their mother he was the only one who couldn't understand. If there's no kids involved, and she can't or won't come around then I have to suggest something terrible: don't throw away the few good years you might have left after the bad.

I divorced, and two years later, I married a gal friend who's relationship with her stupid significant other was going into the crapper at about the same time. I'm glad to say sh'e given me twenty-four wonderful years. Sure sh'e fifty-one now and she's slowed down a little, thank God, because I'm sixty-seven and I'd have probably overdosed on Viagra by now, but she still lights my fire. If I died today I wouldn't have any regrets.

I taught ocean rescue at a community college and I stressed, "take care of number one!" There may come a point where you have to cut your losses but believe me the odds are in your favor. Like my friend Roadie, I'm sorry that this is so long but it's a complex subject and there are many variables and no simple solutions. Good luck Hippy. I'll be thinking and praying for you too. Hank
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Roadie
I'm going to throw this out to you Hippy...and anybody else that may be interested.

When my first marriage was working on getting flushed, I came up with a brilliant plan...in my mind anyway. I learned to cook and I learned about wine. The object of said cooking was to show my wife that I wanted to do things for her and NOT expect anything in return (like sex). As I progressed in my cooking (i.e. it was edible), so did our sex. She would put on some slinky number and watch and I would let her sample as I went along. It became something we did together.

The marriage, however, did not last...but my cooking continues. And I'm pretty good at it. One of my favorite web sites is the Food Network. I have my own recipe box as well as those I have 'borrowed' from their chefs.

What I'm getting at is doing something for her, especially if she doesn't expect it, is another way to open the lines of communication. The cooking was done in a very relaxed atmosphere and sometimes made the talking easier. 
Lovin My Wife...Lovin Life

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Olehippy
Re Roadie and Hank and all other who posted, thanks for you kind words and thoughts.
Communications was never a problem as far as talking about it and my support for her and her beliefs during her battle with cancer, when it started to slack off was went it came to talking about personal stuff like sex. Like Hank said you need to people to go to counseling, well this is one thing she has steadfastly refused to do because it is her firm belief that there is nothing wrong with her it is all me. The cooking thing was a good idea but I am already the chief cook and bottle washer and have been the whole time we have been together. The only thing she know how to really run well in the kitchen is the microwave. I learned cooking from my grandmothers a combinations of Polish. Slovak, Italian, Portuguese, German, Russian. So as you can see my taste vary. I also learned from some of the best cooks in the world, the neighbor hood mothers, girlfriend mothers and Ladies from the retirement home where I as a young teenager use to entertain playing the organ for there Sunday afternoon teas.  I have recipe book that date back to the 1800s and personal recipes that are family secrets that I will never let out.

Though I am not to the point of thinking of getting a rid of the better half, I know that in time my sanity will slowly dwindle and recovery might not become a option. Another lucky point is that there are no young children involved.
Like you Hank I don't know how well I would handle jumping the fence, guilt is a hell of a thing to carry around inside of you and eats away at your soul. The only thing I really have is my memories and that is why I write about them on sites like this. Maybe that is my therapy but it is only slowing down the process of insanity not stopping .
Once again thanks for all the thoughts and prayers.
Just a ole hippy at heart, been around the block more that I care to think about. Lived a full life and looking to add to it. Memories are wonderful but making them is much more fun.
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Adriana
Even if you cannot get her to go to counseling, it may help YOU to go alone.
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A message to Roadie and Hank: :-*

You guys don't know me but I've been reading your stuff for a while. You give me hope that there are actually nice men out there somewhere in the world. Your posts are so intelligent, thoughtful and funny I always look forward to seeing what you come up with next. Anyway, thanks!!!

Sherry
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Olehippy
[i][/i]Re:Adriana, thanks love but I have been going to talk with more than one person about this and all are licenced professionals.  They 2 woman and one man  are split on what I should do from this point forward so like the old saying goes, Opinions are like butt hole everyone has one but some are just a different size.  I don't now or ever had put much into what professionals talkers and listeners have had to say.  I have met to many of them that are more messed up than I am and yet they go around telling others what they should think.  Some are good on certain areas but I have found that most go from one end of the spectrum to the other when it comes to anything sexual in a relationship.  I can only go by what is happening with me not what other people have had happen to them for each of us is different even if the difference is only a hair width. Thanks tho for you concern.
Just a ole hippy at heart, been around the block more that I care to think about. Lived a full life and looking to add to it. Memories are wonderful but making them is much more fun.
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Hank Alvarez
Hippy: the saying is: opinions are like ass holes and they all stink, but that's not necessarily true. What you have to consider is your situation, the advice you're getting who you're getting it from and dies it fit. I had the rare opportunity of studying under a psychologist at CSULB who had a very successful practice specializing in sexual therapy. He admitted that there were no quick fixes but he also stressed that both parties had to be willing. I think that's why I finally made the decision that I did and I've been happy for the past twenty four years and my ex has been miserable. For her nothing changed. I learned from having hip replacements that when you hurt bad enough you'll do something about it. Just remember, the clock is ticking. Hank
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Olehippy
Hank, this is sounding like something out of a bad tv show, but let me explain.  You mentioned that you had hip replacement, funny thing is I had my rt hip replaced Jan 04 and July body rejected the glue they use so Sept 05 I went back in and had second replacement, little larger hardware and 3 screws and so far it is holding up. Only problem second one had some problems with hitting nerve so have Drop foot (can't lift foot upward, and nerve damage causeing tingleing and burning,)  then 3 month ago slipped and tore MCL and Madiscus and had it scoped month later. Seems we have a lot in common lol.
Just a ole hippy at heart, been around the block more that I care to think about. Lived a full life and looking to add to it. Memories are wonderful but making them is much more fun.
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Hank Alvarez
Olehippy: Did any of our advice help? You had some very nice people responding to your dilemma. Was any of our advice helpful? I think the value of this Forum is the free honest exchange of information. The importance of it is to know if it was helpful. Some of you have been brave enough to respond to some of my ideas and problems and that gives me the confidence to try new things. I'm also less inhibited to advise a friend if they confide in me that they have a problem. Hank
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